I found a small studio in Tacoma that hosts an open figure drawing session Thursday evenings. $20 gets you a seat in front of a model who holds a single pose (with breaks) for 3 hours.

There are easels and “horses” scattered around a small platform. “Horses” are small benches you straddle, like riding a horse. The front of the bench is a tall plank which props up your drawing board. There are grooves cut into the bench to keep your board from sliding away. I usually sit on a horse and brace the board with my knees.

There are big, dark, drapes hanging from the wall behind the platform. The dark drapes provide dark contrast and dramatic shadows behind the models.

The models are young and old - big and small - a great variety of humans. The models are patient and kind. Some are quite interested in the work going on. Some seem to be there only to meditate quietly for 3 hours. The fact that they are paid to be nude under a spotlight is incidental.

A very talented young man, Tim, runs the studio. He takes payment, but never nags about it. He helps you find a seat. He makes sure you have enough light. He chats amiably. He also shushes people who start prattling on while we’re working. His drawings have a strong, monumental quality, very weighty and geometric. Tim is very tall.

The students are a mix of mostly retirees and art lovers. Here and there Tim offers some sage advice. One is an architect. One man is a serious charcoal artist. One brings a full palette of oils to paint. Most are timid and afraid to mark the page.

When I found out about this drawing session, I dug out a disused sketchbook that laid dormant for years. I caused a small stir when I sat down to draw with the fountain pen and black magic markers I shoved in my bag.

“But I’d be too nervous that I’d make a mistake“

That’s the trick. You always make mistakes. Might as well do it early. Once you put a permanent black mark down that you can’t fix…you have two choices. Make it work or throw it away. It’s freeing. Like anything, drawing requires practice. You will make more garbage than not. A stray mark on the page is nothing in the grand scheme of things. One of my professors once said that you have 50 bad paintings in you to get out. True also for drawing. And computer programming. And omelets.

After a couple of sessions I started trying to draw with these brush markers. At first the choice in color was overwhelming - but then I settled into using three or four shades and building up tone slowly during the drawing session. Finally, once I had up the nerve, I brought my iPad.

I really didn’t want to be that guy who brings his iPad to an art studio. I am that guy. But I don’t want to be that guy. I worried that the bright screen would be distracting. I worried that I’d get eye rolling and muttering. But like most things we get anxious about, it turned out to be nothing. Only the architect commented me using an iPad. He thought it was interesting.

Maybe being the weirdo who draws with permanent markers instead of charcoal primed the crowd for other strange behavior. Maybe the second time I pull out an iPad they’ll be bored.

I use Procreate for drawing on the iPad. It’s the best I’ve found. Drawing from life with Procreate is lovely. Procreate takes very little learning time to be proficient. Once you are proficient it sort of melts away and disappears. I have the smaller iPad Pro with the “True Tone“ display. This display knows how bright to be in a dark room and knows how to shift colors so that white is still white under yellow incandescent lights. This is probably why no one commented on the iPad; It was not a giant bright blue glowing rectangle in the corner.

Drawing from life with Procreate on the iPad was much nicer than trying to work from a photograph on the iPad. Procreate - or really none of the major drawing apps for iPad - have any sort of good tool for a reference photo. Sure, you can put a photo on a layer - but then you’re tracing. You can use the split screen capability to a certain degree - putting Procreate on the left and photos on the right. But that sucks. I want these apps to allow me to float a picture next to my canvas without it being a part of the canvas.

Regardless, now I’m encouraged. The next time I go, I’m going to warm up a little in the sketch book and use the remaining time to try and do a proper “painted” portrait on the iPad.

[caption id=”” align=”alignnone” width=”2259.0”]<img src=”http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/fc9a34e017.jpg” alt=” Simpson Tacoma Craft Paper Mill Acrylic on canvas 12” ✕ 4” December 4, 2016 “/> Simpson Tacoma Craft Paper Mill Acrylic on canvas 12” ✕ 4” December 4, 2016 [/caption]

If I lean my head out of my kitchen window and turn to face east, I can glimpse the paper mill across the water, perpetually billowing steam or smoke or something almost every day. The Simpson Tacoma Kraft Paper Mill (or is it West Rock or something else?) is blamed for the infamous Tacoma Aroma. In the 1990s the paper mill was retrofitted in such a way to reduce sulphur emissions by a great deal, so now the aroma is a rare occurrence.

My reference photo comes from my trip around Commencement Bay last summer. The day started sunny; clouds rolled in creating a bright but overcast sky in one direction, brilliant blue in the other.

Painting notes

I am trying to be more expressive with color and less fidgety overall. One of the best critiques I got in art school was that I have a tendency to draw with paint instead of paint - painting is not defined so much by the medium of paint, but rather the almost sculptural approach to building form and space with broad application of color (paint strokes). This is why you can call a digital piece or a charcoal drawing a “painting”.

I recall a bit of advice: paint with the largest brush you can. This forces you to think in terms of form and color and less in terms of creating an outline of a shape and filling it in.

I think I am improving in that regard.

I chose to use a cadmium red underpainting (cad red is really quite orange) and it helps the blue of the sky come forward. I chose to try and be fast and loose with the forms of the paper mill itself. There are lots of fiddly, tiny details to get lost in. I like those details - but I want to capture the feel of the place. So I chose to focus on the “big ideas” of the place. The large central building, the smokestacks, their fumes.

   [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2500.0"]<img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/c31fb91923.jpg" alt=" The iPad makes a pretty good music-playing reference photo gallery. "/>  The iPad makes a pretty good music-playing reference photo gallery. [/caption] 
  


  
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If you make real things that are flat, drawings and paintings and the like, at some point you will need to take a picture.

I love that I can take in process snapshots of a painting with my phone. If you have a steady hand, you can probably take a pretty good photo for your Instagram with just a phone. But if you want to make prints or have a nice portfolio online, you’ll need something more.

Lighting

<img class=”svg” src=”data:image/svg xml,”/><p>Sunlight is the best lighting for your artwork. Sunlight is pure white. Sunlight is even and flat. For the moment at least, sunlight is free. </p><p>An overcast day is perfect, but bright sunlight is fine too. In direct sunlight, just avoid late afternoon or early morning so you avoid exaggerated paint texture shadows. Try to position your camera and art in such a way that direct sunlight is at a 45º angle from your art. (This works with expensive electric lamps too)</p>

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   [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2500.0"]<img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/f41a91b9e0.jpg" alt=" See those terrible yellow photos on the top row? Taken under interior lights - compact fluorescent bulbs. The ones below? Bright white sunlight. Much more accurate. "/>  See those terrible yellow photos on the top row? Taken under interior lights - compact fluorescent bulbs. The ones below? Bright white sunlight. Much more accurate. [/caption] 

Equipment

Obviously, you will need a camera to photograph your work. But more importantly you will want a tripod. It doesn’t have to be expensive, it only needs to have a standard tripod mount, allow you to point the camera down at the ground, and not fall over too easily. Without a tripod, you will never get a clear, squared, clean photo.

If your camera is your phone, you will need a widget to stick your phone on a tripod. I have an older Glif from Studio Neat. There are probably millions of these kinds of things on Amazon. If you have a DSLR or a nice point and shoot, it will probably have a standard tripod mount - the threaded hole on the bottom of the camera which accepts the screw head on the tripod.

Buy a cheap black bed sheet from Target, Amazon, or Walmart. I’ve had mine for years. The black sheet can be stapled to a wall, thrown on the floor, or draped over a table. In a pinch it can be used for beach picnics. A black sheet is the backdrop for your art work. It isolates your work. The black background makes it easy to adjust color and brightness.

Method

Set up outside, away from shadows. Attach your camera to your tripod. Point the camera straight down as best a possible and lock it in place.

Lay your black bed sheet on the ground or a table. Place the tripod over it. Place your artwork between the tripod legs. Adjust the height of the tripod if possible. It’s better to move the camera closer to the art than to zoom.

If your camera has a “grid” feature, turn it on. It will help you to align your art.

Fill as much of the frame with your artwork as you can. Make sure that the art is square within the frame. Take several shots. What looks square to you might be a little askew. The camera may wiggle.

   [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="994.0"]<img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/059594d2fe.jpg" alt=" Apple Photos is surprisingly good for making color corrections and adjustments. "/>  Apple Photos is surprisingly good for making color corrections and adjustments. [/caption] 

If you are using your phone as your camera, you can make adjustments right on the phone. Crop out the black backdrop. Adjust the brightness. Increase the contrast to show more texture, but don’t go overboard.

Share with the world.

My day job has me commuting by train 2 hours a day plus about a hour’s worth of getting to and from the office and the train station. Some mornings, when the wifi works and I can get a seat, I’ll work on the way into the office, clearing emails and going over pull requests. Sometimes I can even write a little code. In the afternoons I rarely get a chair until the latter half of the train ride and have little inclination to continue work.

I try to use this time well. I read. I read Mark Twain’s “Life on the Mississippi“. I burn through my podcast feed. But I hate that I don’t get home at a reasonable enough hour to do something creative with my time. So I bought an iPad Pro and an Apple Pencil.

Decisions, decisions

I waffled hard about wether to get the giant-sized 12” iPad Pro or to get the “standard sized” iPad Pro. After much deliberation I chose the smaller model. With a high resolution display and pinch-ey-zoom-ey technology the screen size doesn’t matter that much. The 12” model is quite a bit more expensive, while the standard size has a much better display. Apple calls this a “True Tone” display - basically this iPad carries onboard ambient light sensors and can adjust the color gamut of the display to the room. This is something magical. It’s like suddenly discovering that the oil painting of a landscape in the library is actually a window. The effect is subtle, and hard to describe. Everything looks correct. Also recall turning on your phone in a dark room and feeling blinded. Now imagine that doesn’t happen because the display knows how bright to be and what color to be. For artwork, this is amazing. Correct color everywhere. The Apple Pencil works very very well. It’s heavy. It’s responsive (it’s not truly instantaneous, but it’s faster than any other stylus on the market. Yes, even that crazy tilt-a-wheel PC from Microsoft). It’s nice.

So with a Pencil and a cover and a base model 9.7” iPad Pro I am about $800 poorer. But now I have an unlimited supply of paint.

Procreate

There is no real competition for drawing / painting apps for the iPad. Autodesk’s various Sketchbook apps are nice, but don’t compare to the natural, dynamic quality of Procreate. “Paper” is ostentatious junk. Adobe’s offerings are embarrassing.

Procreate is easy to learn. The incredible depth of the app exposes itself over time. But a child could pick it up and make something immediately. Truthfully my decision was clinched in the store by drawing a portrait in 10 minutes in the store with no real practice.

Procreate is $4.99 in the App Store at the time of this writing. If I could I’d buy it twice.

Wish list

My fist “serious” attempt at making an image in Procreate involved my ‘painting’ over the top of a photograph which I took and imported. This works well. But it would be nice to have a means to “float” an image on the screen (perhaps using iOS’s Picture in Picture feature?) for those times when you want to refer to an image but not work into or on top of it.

I have found that I can solve this problem by taking advantage of the iPad’s newer side-by-side two apps at once feature. I can open Photos on the right, and keep Procreate on the left. This is where a giant screen iPad would come in handy, but frankly a floating reference photo feature would be far better.

Commerce St.

   [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="2500.0"]<img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/161409e83f.jpg" alt=" Commerce St.  November, 2016  Procreate "/>  Commerce St.  November, 2016  Procreate [/caption] 

Some days, when I commute, I walk downtown to catch the streetcar and take the streetcar to the train. Across from the streetcar stop on Commerce Street is an odd, green building. Downtown Tacoma tumbles downhill to the water - so the building I see by the streetcar is the back facade of a building which probably has a Broadway address. The front is two stories, the back is four. The bottom floor holds a creepy garage and always seems abandoned at 7am. The morning sun strikes the green wall head on and reveals its age and wear.

I pained this in about 8 total hours with Procreate. I had some false starts while learning to be precise and to create certain effects. With the pencil, painting is so natural it’s all too easy to forget that you’re painting on a computer and you can take advantage of amazing concepts like copy and paste.

Real

The art-school graduate in me has concerns. Is this “real”? Does it count? Painting digitally is embraced by designers, concept artists, and illustrators. But I bet if you walked into your favorite local art gallery they’d chuckle if you asked them about digital art. Would Rafaël Rozendal chuckle? If I projected a digital painting and animated it across a building would that help it to transcend to “new media“ art?

It doesn’t really matter of course. But indoctrination is powerful. I still bristle at stupid conversations I had with faculty in my graduate problem who had a problem with my using a computer to generate images. But then again. Those guys (and it’s always guys) had a problem with photography.

Commencement Bay Nov, 2016 Acrylic on Canvas

Tacoma is gritty. Tacoma is beautiful.

When you drive by Tacoma on I-5 all you can see is the ominous Tacoma Dome and some strip malls. That part of I-5 is notorious. The freeway takes a hard right to avoid the bay. Traffic grinds to a halt.

If you are driving south from Seattle, and you look quickly to the west, you just might see Tacoma's downtown and a bit of the port. Mostly, though, the city is hidden.

The Tacoma Maritime Fest occurs in July and is a good excuse to get people down to the waterfront to listen to music eat corn dogs. During the festival, the Port of Tacoma rents a big boat and hosts tours. We arrived early to wait in line and tolerate children. We piled on to the boat.

On the top and bottom deck they had rows of chairs neatly laid out. I ignored these. I led Caroline by the hand to the bow of the boat. A few chairs had been placed out front, but was empty otherwise. We stood at the very front and waited for the overflow crowd to fill in.

The tour motored us around the cargo ships and cranes. A kindly man with a lousy PA system explained who did what and this machine was called. The cargo ships are immense. Sideways skyscrapers that drift through the water.

While working on a detailed painting for a while it can start to feel stale. In between paintings I want a way to make looser, more expressive images, as well as just to make more images. I want to play with composition, texture, and color, but still have something figurative that tells a bit of a story. I also want results quickly.

I often use color and black and white laser prints as photo references for paintings because I can scribble on them, or fold over one edge to change the composition. They’re also small and can be tucked away when I’m not working. (If anyone ever chastises you for using photographic references, hit them over the head with this book)

I copied some recent photos onto a thumb-drive and made may way to my favorite art store, FedEx Office, and made a few color laser prints. Before printing, I opened these in Photoshop and flipped the images horizontally so they appear reversed or mirrored on screen.

I printed these images at 4” square so I could line up three images together in a 12” x 4” triptych. Note to self: maybe make a contact sheet in Pixelmator or Photos and save a few bucks on prints.

After taping off a block of space on my water-color pad I roughly cut out each image, then folded the edges up to give me a bit of a guide. I lined up the photo and then positioned face-down then taped it in place. With the photo in place I saturated the back with a ChartPak blender marker and burnished the paper with a spoon.

The ChartPak blender is basically an acetone marker - it’s intended to dissolve markers for blending purposes. It also breaks down the bond between laser toner and pinter paper. By saturating the back of the image and pressing it into paper, the toner lifts off the printer paper and becomes embedded onto the opposite paper. This is why I flip the images - so the reversed image is reversed again to appear correct.

By nature the transfer will be looser and rougher. Blacks and solid colors will transfer better than intricate details. If the target surface is rough, you can expect the image not to reach all the nooks and crannies. This will give you a nicely degraded look.

Once the image has dried it can be painted on or drawn on and should be fairly stable. I like to use a palette knife to spread a thin layer of clear acrylic medium over the transferred image to seal it into place.

 <h2 id="important-new-new-directions-in-ghost-studies">Important new new directions in ghost studies</h2><p>Ladies and gentlemen, alive or otherwise, in this post I hope to provide evidence and support for an exciting new theory in ghost science. Namely, that the center of the earth is full of ghosts. </p>

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Axiom 1: Ghosts pass through walls

It is a well accepted feature of ghosts and the ghostly that they pass easily through walls.

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Axiom 2: Walls are just vertical floors

If a ghost can pass through a wall, a ghost must pass through the floor as well.

Axiom 3: Gravity affects ghosts

Einstein showed us that even light feels the force of gravity, so if ghosts are real, be they strange energy or a form of exotic matter, they must feel the pull of gravity.

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Conclusion

Since ghosts must feel the pull of gravity, and ghosts must pass through floors (and soil, rocks, etc). Ghosts must, eventually, succumb to the pull of gravity and collect in the center of the earth.

Summary

• Ghosts can pass through walls
• Floors are horizontal walls
• Ghosts can pass through floors
• Ghosts must feel the effects of gravity
• Ghosts must eventually fall to the center of the earth

<img src=”http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/57ef71a9b8.jpg” alt=” “Guest Room” 8” ✕ 10” Acrylic on paper “/>

“Guest Room” 8” ✕ 10” Acrylic on paper

I woke up in half-light to the howling of strange birds. Stiff. Confused. Jet-lagged.

Where am I? Mexico? Guadalajara. Zapopan. Monica’s house! In the nanny’s room. The wedding.

It's late. I slept in.

The blinds keep out the sun. There is a tiny courtyard outside of this tiny room which leads to the laundry and then the kitchen.

This grand house, built for a large family with a nanny, is full again for the wedding. The exchange student, the family, my wife, and me. My wife slept on the spare bed in the exchange student’s room. I slept here.

It's nearly noon and the sun beats straight down into the courtyard. Sunlight bounces off the white stucco, the red painted concrete, and under the blinds filling the room with dim, alien light and odd reflections on the louvered glass window. The birds continue.

It's time to move. I find the switch and an anemic bulb challenges the sun. I shower and dress. I gather my strength. How much Spanish do I remember? Less every day. If my wife isn't there can I ask for coffee? Do I hide here with the birds?

Process

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This painting is based upon a quick snapshot, taken with my phone.

Part of the visual interest, for me, was how the white stuccu walls seem to radiate color from the concrete floor and sky. The small, cramped courtyard enhances the linear perspective. Somewhat bleak, yet strangely cozy.

I relied upon a washy underpainting of bold colors buried under offwhite paint to create a sense of depth and texture. To create the louvred windows, I carefully created perspective lines with tape and filled in the glass with transparent glazes of tinted liquid acrylic medium.

Here is where acrylic paint shines as a medium. Complex colors and textures can be built up quickly with layers of varying transparency and thickness. After laying down a layer of color, a quick blast with a hair-dryer readies the surface for more.

Inspiration

I hadn’t touched a painting for years.

My wife and I took a trip to New York City. I took her to the Met and to the Guggenheim. We visited the offices of friends who work in creative agencies. We walked the High Line. We stumbled into a small gallery show in Tribeca. The famous New York City Transit Authority signage whispered Helvetica to me from every corner.

This trip reminded me of my first trip to New York. I was finishing my art degree. Before the main summer school session started, there was an odd two week block where professors got to run their fun classes. My painting instructor, bless her, herded a gaggle of college kids onto a plane and through every respectable (and some disreputable) gallery in SoHo. Right after that trip I broke up with my girlfriend and went to graduate school.

These paintings are small impressions of our trip. Primarily, scenes from the High Line park. Secondarily, a love letter to the stark subway signage. All paintings are acrylic on paper. Each subway sign, with their hand-eye-balled typography, works as sort of a meditation on composition, color, and paint. It’s what a figurative painter does when he can’t bring himself to make an abstract painting. The others are scenes from a walk on the High Line park. There’s so much to see on and from the High Line, one could probably fill a sketchbook in an afternoon.

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Paintings

33rd Street

We stayed near the 33rd street subway station. In this first painting you can see I’m still a bit rusty. Timidly clinging to “real” black and white of the signage and only playing with color around the edges.

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White Wall, High Line

On the High Line there is an all-white building with bricked up windows that blinds in the morning sun. In life the wall was white white white. But the sun was warm and the shadows were cool. I tried to capture that temperature with orange in the light and blue in the shade.

Empire State Water Tower

Looking east on the High Line you can catch glimpses of the Empire State building between the rooftops and water towers, its massive bulk hazy in the morning air.

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Union Square

A short subway ride south from 33rd street is. There we met a Portland transplant who was working a crowded, mad bar. She destroyed us with drinks.

Bricked Window, High Line

Along the High Line many windows are still bricked over to shield tenants from a clattering train. Now they shield tenants from trees, tourists, and morning sun.

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Subway Car R3

The New York City Transit Authority is disciplined in their signage. On the right side of a subway car (R) at door number 3 I found this tiny emblem stamped into the metal of the door frame.

Caroline on the High Line

Caroline regards me skeptically while we sat among other tourists.

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Process

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When I was finishing art school photography was still expensive. At that time it never occurred to me to take photos of the process of making a painting. Now that my pocket-hand-computer includes a pretty decent camera, photographs are free.

For each of these paintings I worked from a photographic reference. I made prints on a color laser printer and a standard black and white printer at my favorite art supply store, FedEx Office. The color print provides a basic color reference, while the grainy, low-detail black and white image helps me see structure and form.

I created a 4 x 4 grid to help align my work, but other than that I free-handed the images, making small edits along the way. Removing noisy details and in one case lopping off the end of a thumb that stuck out in a confusing way. No actual thumbs were harmed in the process.

For the landscapes and the portrait I like to under-paint in a contrasting color. Green for Caroline. Orange for the white wall. Red for the sky. This is an old trick. Any place your paint doesn’t fill will pop with color instead of bare paper. The contrast gives colors depth.

Acrylic paints are not known for blending. They cure too quickly. While you can buy chemicals which slow the drying process, I find it best to take advantage of the nature of the medium and work in many transparent layers. Sometimes the acrylic paint dries too slowly so I blast the surface with a hair dryer just to move things along.

The images of subway signs are a nice break in between figurative paintings. It’s a way to work with color and texture, play with paint, and steady my hand without getting lost in details.

<h1 class="text-align-center">Crazy Walls For Business™</h1><h2 class="text-align-center">Everyone knows bigger is better.
Plan your next project on a heroic scale.</h2><h3 class="text-align-center">Don’t make the project bigger — make the plan bigger.</h3> <h1 id="why-not-track-your-project-requirements-on-a-wall-with-sticky-notes-and-a-magic-marker-like-a-crazy-person-">Why not track your project requirements on a wall with sticky notes and a magic-marker like a crazy person?</h1>

It’s time to try Crazy Walls For Business™

How do you get started with crazy walls? (1.) Begin by listing out a few important things.

(2.) Below each of those things, list the first three obvious things that need to be done, in order.

(3.) Now…turn the whole thing sideways. Great! That was good practice. Now you’ve got a blueprint for a crazy wall.

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 <p>Let’s do the same thing on a wall with sticky notes. Like a crazy person.</p><h2>Your first crazy wall</h2>

1. Take that list of important things and scribble each one on a sticky note.
2. Place these sticky notes along the top of the biggest wall you can find in an evenly spaced, horizontal line.
3. Under each item, add some more sticky notes. Write some things on them. What things? Any things. All things.
4. After you have a few sticky notes, use your blue painter’s tape to make a horizontal line.
5. Move some sticky notes below the line.
6. Add another line.
7. Repeat until crazy.

Get creative

Got a diagram? Print it out and tape to the wall. Got a photo of your nemesis? Print it out and tape to the wall. Put a thumbtack in it. Tie some red yarn to the thumbtack and string it out to other thumbtacks stuck in other notes.

There are no limits. Have a random thought? Put it on a sticky note. Tack it up. Feeling festive? Use green sticky notes to record terrible ideas from that one guy in marketing. Use pink sticky notes for dumb ideas. Use your blue tape to make a big arrow pointing to a random sticky note. It will look important.

How about an example?

 <h1>Who can use a Crazy Wall For Business™?</h1>

Crazy Walls For Business have many great features:

• Untraceable: Sticky note with a requirement? What sticky note?
• Unsearchable: “I know I wrote that down somewhere…” Too bad.
• Inscrutable: “What’s this note with a star and a dollar sign mean?” Yes.
• Unreliable: Too many stickies? Open a window and watch your project scope decrease dramatically with the wind.

For creatives

• Color coordinate your ideas. Put your boss’ ideas on pink stickies.
• Print things and tape them to the wall for inspiration. All the things.
• Stretch your crazy wall around a corner and join items with yarn. Three dimensions of crazy!

For engineers

• Kill time with wall planning and maintenance.
• Sneak tech-debt into your requirements with vaguely worded sticky notes.
• Extend your coffee break by standing thoughtfully in front your crazy wall, while sipping coffee.

For employers

• Use up office supplies.
• Save money on decorations. Sticky notes are cheaper than art.
• Requires employees to be in the office once in a while.

For detectives solving a complex mystery

• More yarn is better.
• Photocopy pictures of your nemesis for that gritty urban look.
• Polaroids of a crime scene are a great addition to any crazy wall.

<h1>Inspiration</h1>

“User Story Mapping” is a silly Agile Cargo Cult practice that consultants get paid to “facilitate”. Is story mapping bad? No. Do what works. But, getting a group of folks to write stuff down and stick it a wall doesn’t require reading a book, or a consultant.

Also, this Crazy Wall Tumblr blog is great.

But not just any drink – the best drink.

Let’s have a martini ¹

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/4597b46127.jpg" alt=""/>

A martini is cold and crisp. It is smooth, floral, and herbal — but strong. It is sophisticated. It is modern. It is classic. It is the only drink which exists as a semiotic reference to itself, whether flickering neon or friendly emoji.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/7b674daf85.jpg" alt=""/>

Real martinis are made with gin!
Accept no substitutes.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/2a93f799ff.jpg" alt=""/>

Equipment

For a traditional “up” martini…

You will need:

• Something to mix in. This can be a cocktail shaker or a pint glass.
• Something to stir with. A bar spoon, a regular spoon, a single chopstick, or a deft swirling motion
• Something to strain with. A bar strainer, a mesh strainer, or a big fork will do.
• A 3-4oz cocktail glass. Bigger is too big. If you want 6 ounces of booze, have two martinis.
• A volume measure. A jigger bar measure or a graduated measuring cup.

For a lazy hot bath / hot-tub rocks martini…

You will need:

• A 4-5oz rocks glass or similar
• Something to stir with. A bar spoon, a regular spoon, a single chopstick, or a deft swirling motion
• A volume measure. A jigger bar measure or a graduated measuring cup.
• A nice magazine to read while in the tub

Ingredients

 <ul>

</ul> <h1>Ratio</h1><p dir="ltr">The ratio of gin to vermouth is the defining, critical part of a martini. Stray from these recommendations at your peril.</p> <h3 class="text-align-center">1 part gin to 1 part vermouth</h3>

Old school

2 parts gin to 1 part vermouth

Grampa

3 parts gin to 1 part vermouth

Classic

 <h3 class="text-align-center">4 parts gin to 1 part vermouth</h3>

Extra dry

 <h3 class="text-align-center">5 parts gin to 1 part vermouth</h3>

Extra hard day

The method

 <h3 id="for-a-martini-up-">For a martini “up”</h3>

This is completely optional, but consider rinsing and chilling your cocktail glass in the freezer for about 10 minutes before you begin. Professionals keep at least one cocktail glass in the freezer at all times for martini emergencies.

1. Fill your mixing vessel with very cold ice.
2. Measure 1 part vermouth and pour over the ice
3. Measure 3 to 5 parts gin and pour over the ice
4. Stir gently for 45 seconds. It should be very cold.
5. Strain into your (chilled) cocktail glass.
6. Garnish

If garnishing with a lemon peel, give the peel a little twist right over the drink and rub the peel around the lip of the glass. This makes everything smell a little lemony and makes you look fancy. If you didn’t want to look fancy, you wouldn’t be drinking a martini. Don’t lie.

For a rocks martini

If you have one of those extra-large ice cube trays for making giant ice cubes, this is a good opportunity to use it.

1. Fill your rocks glass with very cold ice.
2. Measure 1 to 2 parts vermouth over the ice.
3. Measure 1 to 3 parts gin over the ice
4. Stir gently (perhaps with a fingertip)
5. Garnish

Don’t spill in the tub.

<h1>Notes</h1> <h3 id="variations">Variations</h3>

A martini garnished with a pickled cocktail onion is known as a “Gibson”. The onion has a nice grumpy gramps quality to it which will scare away your wife when you try to smooch her.

A martini with equal parts sweet vermouth and dry vermouth is a “perfect martini” and is lovely, if unexpected. Garnish with a citrus peel.

Old Tom style gin makes an interesting martini. Try using Old Tom in a perfect martini before growing out your handlebar mustache.

If you have any citrus bitters around - lemon, grapefruit, etc - try adding a drop (literally one drop) on top of your martini after straining into the cocktail glass. The citrus aroma is quite nice with the herbal and floral qualities of the gin.

Notes on gin

If you are new to martinis I recommend starting with a standard “neutral“ gin. Something that will taste of juniper, be fragrant, but not be too overpowering. Gordon’s, New Amsterdam, Beefeater, Tanqueray are all good choices. Bombay is fine, but overpriced.

Once you’re ready to explore, try some more flavorful gins. Hendrick's cucumber infused gin is lovely in a martini. Aviation’s strong pine flavor makes a good gibson.

<h3 id="notes-on-vermouth">Notes on vermouth</h3>

Vermouth is a fortified wine, infused with wormwood and other herbal, botanical, aromatic goodies. For a classic martini, choose a dry (pale) vermouth. You should be prepared to spend as much on a bottle of vermouth as you would a bottle of wine for dinner. It’s better to be cheap with your gin than your vermouth. Since vermouth is a small percentage of a traditional martini, it goes far. Although vermouth is fortified, its alcohol content isn’t high enough to prevent spoilage. So after opening, keep your vermouth in the refrigerator (unless you’re going to use it all in a couple of weeks).

My favorite vermouth is Dolin Dry, followed closely by Noilly Prat. Cinzano is fine as well. When you’re ready to experiment, try Dolin Blanc - a little sweet in comparison to their dry but only a little. I have also enjoyed Imbue, a bittersweet vermouth from the Pacific NW.

What about Vodka?

Well comrade…

 <pre>What about Vodka Martinis? You may have heard of a so-called “vodka martini” popularized by the murderous misogynist James Bond. Remember, James Bond is a fictional character and he drinks fictional cocktails.

*There is no such thing as a Vodka Martini* But I don’t like gin! Then you don’t like martinis.

But I like vodka! Vodka is precisely distilled to be colorless, odorless, and tasteless(2). Good vodka is very nearly pure ethanol and water(3). Vodka works beautifully in fruity drinks and savory sauces (Lemon Drops, Cosmos, Vodka-cream sauce) *because* it doesn’t taste like anything (except booze and burning). The alcohol breaks down the fruit, lemons or tomatoes in this example, enhancing their flavor. Well chilled vodka, on the rocks or as a shot, is bracing and pleasant.

This is all lovely. But it’s not a martini. A martini is the delicate blend of gin, dry vermouth, and ice. Vermouth and vodka? Tastes like diluted vermouth. Vodka chilled with ice? Not a cocktail. Not even a highball. Certainly not a martini.

If you like vodka, just drink vodka.

But the martini glass is so pretty! It’s a *cocktail* glass. But fine. Whatever. Here’s how to make a fraudulent “vodka martini:”

1. Fill a cocktail shaker with cold, dry ice (not sloppy half melted wet ice) 2. Measure 3 ounces of your favorite vodka into the shaker 3. Close the shaker tightly and shake the holy bejeezus out of it for 45 seconds - it must be very cold 4. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass 5. Garnish

Vodka martinis in particular shouldn’t be very big. If the drink is too big, it will just get warm before it is finished. Then you’ll just have warm vodka.

Garnish with what? Since the vodka martini is a fraud, why not keep up the deception with an olive?

You’re mean! Yes. Facts are mean.</pre><hr /> <ol>

	<li id="fn:1">
		<p><a href="http://www.rdwarf.com/users/mink/martinifaq.html">This is the most comprehensive web page on martinis ever.</a></p>
	</li>

	<li id="fn:2">
		<p>Vodka is colorless, odorless, and tasteless. Just like people who drink vodka martinis.</p>
	</li>

	<li id="fn:3">
		<p>People who claim that they can tell the difference between potato and grain vodka are mistaken. </p>
	</li>

</ol>

 <h1 class="text-align-center">On your next vacation, consider staying in.</h1> 

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/56dda2e01f.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last camping trip?

Were there bugs? I bet there were bugs. Did you wake up in a muggy tent, swimming in a puddle of your own sweat, only to unzip the flap and die of hypothermia?

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/3cb514a932.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last beach trip?

Did you sprain an ankle in the soft sand, stumble, then get swept away by a sneaker wave only to get stung by a jellyfish?

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/3811924b95.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last picnic?

Bugs again? The stinging ones? Did your potato salad sit out in the sun for a minute too long and poison everyone?

Bugs. Sunburn. Dirt. Predators. *Poop*.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Have you visited the great indoors?

Relax in a comfortable chair beneath the gentle hum of efficient fluorescent lighting. The gentle breeze drifting from the air conditioning will cool and comfort you as the thick, sturdy walls and ceiling protect you from the angry sun’s harmful radiation.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/b92061d6d8.jpg" alt=""/>
  


  
  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/4a375b1ada.jpg" alt=""/>

“TV? Internet? Refrigeration?All of my favorite things!”

There’s no reason to be bored indoors. Watch a movie, read a book, play a game, or have a snack. Whenever that runs out there’s always time for internet.

Adequate lighting day or night

Not finished reading your book when the sun goes down? Turn on a light. Now you want to watch a scary movie? Turn the light off. You’re in control here.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/36ec14ec3a.jpg" alt=""/>

What’s the weather? Who cares.

Go ahead and nudge that thermostat up a degree or two. You deserve it.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/ce1cc97209.jpg" alt=""/>

Next time consider booking a hotel room, strolling through a shopping mall, or…just staying home

Because the worst part of the great indoors is going outside.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/893212d4b7.jpg" alt=""/>

 <h1 class="text-align-center">On your next vacation, consider staying in.</h1> 

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/b7e782303c.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last camping trip?

Were there bugs? I bet there were bugs. Did you wake up in a muggy tent, swimming in a puddle of your own sweat, only to unzip the flap and die of hypothermia?

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/cb1e0c178b.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last beach trip?

Did you sprain an ankle in the soft sand, stumble, then get swept away by a sneaker wave only to get stung by a jellyfish?

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/36a144f73c.jpg" alt=""/>

How was your last picnic?

Bugs again? The stinging ones? Did your potato salad sit out in the sun for a minute too long and poison everyone?

Bugs. Sunburn. Dirt. Predators. *Poop*.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

Have you visited the great indoors?

Relax in a comfortable chair beneath the gentle hum of efficient fluorescent lighting. The gentle breeze drifting from the air conditioning will cool and comfort you as the thick, sturdy walls and ceiling protect you from the angry sun’s harmful radiation.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/1656e93a67.jpg" alt=""/>
  


  
  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/a3bc303b12.jpg" alt=""/>

“TV? Internet? Refrigeration?All of my favorite things!”

There’s no reason to be bored indoors. Watch a movie, read a book, play a game, or have a snack. Whenever that runs out there’s always time for internet.

Adequate lighting day or night

Not finished reading your book when the sun goes down? Turn on a light. Now you want to watch a scary movie? Turn the light off. You’re in control here.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/c028cc341e.jpg" alt=""/>

What’s the weather? Who cares.

Go ahead and nudge that thermostat up a degree or two. You deserve it.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/0ed532c046.jpg" alt=""/>

Next time consider booking a hotel room, strolling through a shopping mall, or…just staying home

Because the worst part of the great indoors is going outside.

  <img src="http://abouthalf.micro.blog/uploads/2018/98b1fab91d.jpg" alt=""/>